To conclude our Misadventures in Love series, we offer to you Patrick Kearns, just one year removed from high school… Enjoy.

My first breakup was miserable. Laden with torrid love triangles, back stabbing beauties, and scheming sexpots, it would have been right at home on the C.W.’s Thursday night lineup- the only thing missing was an evil twin. So for your entertainment I have turned my high school romance into a soap opera in the vein of Gossip Girl. Enjoy.

Meet P- your typical attractive, intelligent, and likeable teenage outsider. P never quite fit in with the rest of the crowd at Crescent Valley High School because he knew Steinbeck had written something besides The Grapes of Wrath and owned a record player. All his days were spent in isolation walking down old country roads kicking bottles as empty as his soul- until he met K.

K was the closest thing Corvallis, Oregon had to an it girl. She took senior level classes as a sophomore; she made the varsity volleyball team as a freshman. She was beautiful, sweet, and deceptively funny.  Boys flocked to her like moths to an open flame, but she wanted more. And P was the only one who could give that to her.

But relationships never get off to a smooth start- not on the C.W. It took a year’s worth of false starts, chance run ins, and an awkward love triangle between P, K, and P’s best friend C to finally bring them together. Fan girls around the world rejoiced.

The next 15 months were a disturbingly adorable time, filled with all of the usual clichés. Theywould stay up all night talking on the phone, both refusing to hang up first. Entire days were spent cuddling on couches, watching T.V. and making funny faces at her camera. There was also a lot of making out. (Which was awesome)

This all came to a screeching halt however, with the introduction of V- A skinny artist with a liberated libido and piercing blue eyes. V had a harem of male followers. Half of the school seemed to be wrapped around her finger (both boys and girls).And her sights were set on P.

It was readily apparent to everyone but P that V wanted the D. This justifiably created some tension between K and P, and only served to drive a wedge between them- a wedge that V would soon take advantage of.

One week before the homecoming dance, V made her move on P- kissing him during free period. P, in an ill-advised decision told K, who promptly dumped his ass. Soon thereafter a twitter war erupted between the entire student body. The campus was unevenly divided between the three members of the love triangle, and P soon found himself on a path to social ostracism. Things were further complicated when it was revealed that V had actually been dating two other members of her harem, which transfigured the love triangle to a love pentagon (or as Brooke from One Tree Hill would call it a love square plus one). Things got even more convoluted when K began dating one of V’s two scorned lovers.

In a futile attempt to blow off some steam P went to his first party with alcoholic beverages, where his friends convinced him there was absolutely no chance he could reconcile with K and he should ask V to the Homecoming- in a stripper cake.

So he asked in front of all his friends, and she said no. As it turns out she was now dating someone else. Hello Love Hexagon.

P wound up going to home coming with his friend S, who berated him all night because he wore the wrong color vest. He also had the flu and spent the majority of the dance puking.

And thus concluded the 3rd week of P’s senior year.