It’s getting nice outside, which will be nothing but pure hell for your daily word count. But worry not: Boys Don’t Read will help keep your eyes glazed, your skin pale, and your butt in the seat where it belongs. Here are our top ten ways to cope with nice weather:
10. Sleep until noon.
If you sleep until noon, you’ve already succeeding in pissing away half the day. This means less remaining sunlight to tempt you away from finishing your novel. DRAWBACKS: Loss of day job and family.
9. Start playing World of Warcraft.
You can’t buy apathy toward nature and physical fitness much more cheaply than the $14.99 per month you’ll pay for a subscription to World of Warcraft. DRAWBACKS: You will write even less. World of Warcraft is more addictive than sunshine.
8. Take your computer outside.
Why not just write outside? WIN WIN!!! DRAWBACKS: Remember what you learned when your high school English teacher decided to have class outside? Oh, that’s right. NOTHING. If you’re outside, you aren’t writing. You’re having recess with your computer.
7. Invest in a sensory deprivation chamber.
For a small price and a little DIY innovation, you can construct a sensory deprivation chamber in which you can while away the daylight hours deprived of sight, hearing, and touch, while an otherwise-distracting sunny day drifts by unnoticed. There you’ll be, alone with your thoughts. Just your thoughts. And you. All day long. DRAWBACKS: Madness.
6. Start taking tetracycline antibiotics.
Aside from taking the edge off any chlamydia you might have picked up recently, tetracycline antibiotics create such severe phototoxicity that you are more likely to burn and potentially die from sun exposure. Take a couple of pills before your next writing session, and watch your willpower grow! DRAWBACKS: Children will suspect you’re a vampire. Your family will suspect you have chlamydia.
5. Live in your parents’ basement.
Nothing blocks out sunlight and meaningful adult relationships like a parent’s basement. Hang a blackout curtain over the window well, turn on a lava lamp, and let the good times roll. DRAWBACKS: You will have an even harder time getting laid.
4. Move to Oregon.
It’s never sunny in Oregon. DRAWBACKS: Everyone in Oregon is a writer.
3. Wear sunglasses constantly.
You will be immune to UV rays and daylight’s counterproductive allure. You will also believe yourself to be more attractive. DRAWBACKS: You secretly look like a douchebag when the sun goes down.
2. Never leave the casino bar.
With their thick curtains, lack of clocks, and seedy clientele, casino bars are as timeless as prostitution. After a week or two inside, you’ll have enough material for a three-book series and no hope of ever writing one. DRAWBACK: Hangovers. Being broke. Reinforcing writer stereotypes.
1. Get incarcerated.
If you’re going this route, make sure you go all the way. Jail is much less interesting than prison, and if the crime’s not big enough to get picked up by the Associated Press, your chances of being offered a book deal drop way off. The good news: While in the big house, you can take after literary giants like Thoreau and Machiavelli. You’ll have plenty of time to write, and a foolproof safety net of steel bars and concrete when your “sunny day” willpower fails you. DRAWBACKS: Complete loss of freedom.
We hope today’s post has kept you inside, and given you some practical tips to improve your writing. Now close the blinds, turn off your phone, and get to work.